A Former People Pleaser’s Guide to Setting Boundaries
As a recovering people pleaser, I understand just how important it is to have boundaries.
I learned the hard way that being too nice is actually pretty horrible and was a detriment to myself and the people around me.
After being too nice landed me in some pretty unsafe situations, I knew something had to change, which was when I sat down and really worked on setting boundaries.
Boundaries are essential. They keep us safe in many different ways, prevent people from taking advantage of us, and are a core part of your overall health and wellbeing.
You can set boundaries for any area of your life, including the below.
Types of Boundaries
Physical: your personal space and physical needs.
Emotional: limits on the emotional energy you give to others.
Time: how you spend your time.
Spiritual: your religious and spiritual beliefs.
Financial: what you choose to spend (or not spend) your money on.
Communication: how and when you communicate with others.
Intellectual: the freedom to have your own thoughts, opinions and ideas.
Workplace: what you will and will not accept in the workplace.
Set Boundaries in Three Simple Steps
As essential as boundaries are, they can be difficult to set and even harder to enforce, especially if you’re a recovering people pleaser or haven’t had the freedom or ability to advocate for yourself before.
I’ve put together a simple 3 step process to help you create your own boundaries and, crucially, enforce them if crossed.
1: Assess Your Values
Determining your values is a critical first step as they create a solid foundation from which to build up your boundaries.
Your values are the things that are of the most importance you, for example:
Honesty.
Stability.
Communication.
Recognition.
Fun.
Health.
Respect.
Success.
Adventure.
Knowledge.
Connection.
Order.
Peace.
If you’re currently feeling a bit lost or generally unhappy but not sure why, it could be that you’re not living in a way that reflects your core values, which is why it’s important to take the time to figure out what they are.
To avoid overwhelm, start by choosing 3 to 5 values that are the most important to you and the life you want to create for yourself.
2: Sort Your Values into Boundary Categories
The next step is to take those values and start mapping them out into your boundary categories.
You can use the categories from the list at the start of this post as a starting point, but there are many other categories you can use, or make your own.
For example, one of my values is Order, which for me fits into the Time, Physical and Financial categories.
Here’s how that looks mapped out:
Value: Order.
Boundary Categories: how would Order show up in these categories?
Time: creating routines for work days, weekends, mornings and evenings.
Physical: keeping my living, work and hobby spaces clean and tidy.
Financial: setting a monthly budget, having bills taken out automatically, putting aside money for savings each month.
Your values may fit into a singular category or span across multiple like the above example. Mapping things out like this lets you really explore the ways you can bring your values and boundaries into harmony with one another.
Start with your 3-5 values and expand when you’re comfortable.
3: Set and Enforce Your Boundaries
Now that you’ve explored the ways your values could show up in your boundaries, it’s time start setting them.
Ask yourself, what won’t you tolerate? What do you need in order to feel physically and mentally healthy? How do I want to move through my day? How do I want to show up in my life? What kind of person do I want to be?
Here are my Communications boundaries as an example.
Communication Boundaries:
I respond to non-urgent messages and emails when I have the capacity and time for it.
I end a conversation when I’m feeling uncomfortable.
I end a conversation if the person is being disrespectful.
There are some conversation topics that are off-limits with certain people and people I don’t know well.
I don’t talk about people behind their backs.
I do not have to answer questions if I don’t want to.
I can leave a conversation whenever I like.
If someone keeps yelling after I’ve asked them not to, I walk away.
These boundaries help me to…
Show up in my friendships with more energy and enthusiasm.
Protect information about my personal life.
Ensure I only talk with people who are respectful.
Enforcement:
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I’d prefer not to talk about work on the weekends.”
“Let’s save this conversation for a time where we’re both in a better headspace.”
“I don’t want to hear about politics today.”
“I want to discuss this but I don’t have time today- can we organise a call tomorrow morning?”
“Please don’t talk to me if you’re going to yell.”
You will more than likely feel incredibly uncomfortable when you start enforcing your boundaries with others, but you will get more comfortable with the process.
Enforcement should be about calmly and clearly stating what you will and will not tolerate, and walking away if your wishes aren’t being respected.
By assessing your values, mapping them out into categories and setting your boundaries and responses, you will be well on your way to advocating for yourself and receiving the respect you deserve.
With any skill, practice is crucial. You won’t always get it right and you might even revisit your boundaries to make changes.
By not giving up you will be well on your way to a life that is more authentic to you, rather than what other people want of you.